Yesterday brought on a whole new episode with my mother and I. You may have wondered why I speak so negatively about my mother...well here go......she is a figure head in my life but she is not a mother.......I never had a mother. I think I was possibly raised by wolves. That would explain a lot now wouldn't it? I may not have added quotes to all the conversation but this was all said out loud, I didn't hold anything back.
Here is the story.......
I went there yesterday and we we were talking and I said so what has 'K' decided to do with all of his winings... he won $50,000 November 1st.
Mom said "he thinks your idea is stupid", I said you told him what I said? why the hell did you do that?
She said well I thought it was a good idea for them to go to Disney too but he said it was dumb. I said he would have said anything was dumb that I suggested, I could have said go buy yourself a big ass truck and he would have argued that. I said don't talk about me to them ever....don't mention my name. What is wrong with you?
She says "what is life going to be like when I'm dead and gone, my children won't talk to one another..."I said when your dead and gone nothing will have changed other than the fact you won't be ramming their lives down my throat. If you think I will ever speak to them your dead wrong! They owe me an apology both of your ungrateful, retarded children do, I do not have 4 siblings I have two the other two can fuck right off.
She said you are so much like your father...he has no problem that you don't talk to them but I do....I said the only reason you have a problem is because you ignore their behaviour we can see through their bull shit, you condone the way they live their lives and handle themselves, if I were you I'd be more ashamed of who they become rather than bury my head but you've always been good at looking the other way eh mom?
Then I said "The nerve they have, all my life they have been waiting to get rid of me and now they have - CONGRATULATIONS! They do not exsist. Fuck them! The fact 'L' never wanted me to be in her wedding and you MADE her, yes mom I knew all along, I heard the fight. The fact you said you wouldn't come unless I was in the wedding was not your place."
She said well you were sick you coughed the entire time you stood up there. I said "for fuck sakes I wasn't SICK I was SCARED and I walked up the isle with an old man for god sakes, give your head a shake"..I am crying at this point....so I said so she didn't come to my wedding because she couldn't get over herself.....yeah no jealousy there...but I'm perfect because I don't drive drunk with children or anyone....yes I am perfect!
Then your baby boy turns around and asks me how to get his daughter out of a house because he has never had to think for himself; I help and then he calls ME the liar....oh yes - you raised some pretty fuckin smart kids I must say......I said if you think I am EVER going to talk to them your WRONG, WRONG, WRONG and when your dead and gone life will just be easier, I won't be hearing about their pitiful lives.......
They never want to darken my door or come to my funeral. Because I certainly won't be at theirs!!!!!! hell will never freeze over that much.
So don't will anything to them that I have to share because you can guarantee neither of us will. She said your the exector of the will. I said perfect, I'll leave their share at the end of the driveway. I was crying and so upset I yelled for 'B' to come and when she hugged mom she said "Grammy why did you upset my mommy so much"? Mom never answered her.....she just told her she loved her - what a surprise, she hasn't said that in forever to B. Now I'm about to cry all over again.......fuck I hate that woman!
The fact is that I have no family, I don't have people - nobody. I feel completely all alone in this world, I have nobody on my side, nobody to call on who cares for my well-being, nobody to say your being a jerk, its ok or whatever your doing your doing it right.
That kills me....All I ever wanted was non-retarded people I could call my own. I just want people who care enough to care completely-people I can call my own.
Why is that so fucking hard? My own mother didn't even hug me, she just looked at me with her mouth wide open like I had 3 heads.......fucking frozen hearted bitch!!
Oh and don't ask if she called last night....she didn't and she won't, she might come Thursday night but this convo will never be mentioned again........it didn't even happen in her eyes....
5 comments:
I was worried if she called you back.
Like I was saying last night - you do have a GREAT family - Lee, Bailey & You.
Unfortunately, it takes a lot of hurt when it comes to family to be able to cut them off. Cause, we never want to believe our family can really be like that.
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, I am going to say some things and I want you to know that I am no doing this to offend you or hurt your feelings, only to help you get to a better place ...
Basically you need to consider the following:
A) WHY do you think she's going to change at this late date?
-This is obviously the way she has always been. At her age, do you really think she is going to change?
B) Why can't you accept that she is always going to make excuses for your siblings, she is always going to have this outlook?
-Obviously this is the way she sees the world, this is how she copes with her life ... you are not going to change her, so you need to accept that. I know, harder said than done. (So been there, done that)
C)You CAN'T change the situation, so what are you going to do to cope with the reality of your relationship with your mother?
-You need to concentrate on being able to stay sane while talking to/dealing with your mother. You need to develop strategies that will get you through it.
Jay....I am not saying I want her to be different, I think I got dealt a crummy hand.
My mother is not going to change, yes I get that part...I have for a few years.
If I were going to "cope" in anyway it would be to severe all ties with her as well and with her being my female guardian figure that is absolutely unequivacally impossible.
So yes I agree with all that you say and yes I am aware of it all but me talking to her, interacting with her is not going to change.
I am basically having a pitty party for 1 due to the fact I am pitiful and have nobody - this part I know I have noone to be there for me that has known me my whole life. That is the hardest pill of all to swallow.
:(
{{hugs}}
Mel...I wish from the very bottom of my heart that you were able to Love yourself enough to let it go and move on with the wonderful family that you DO have! Yes - your hand sucked...but it doesn't have to define who you are! YOU are the only one who can do that! Give yourself permission to be free from her chains and know that no matter how crappy a job may have been done...her job of being a Mom is over! You are your own person and an example to B...Be that shining example, let go of your passed. It's ok - You're a great Mom a wonderful person and a terrific friend. Let go of the anger and pain and just be you...you have to let your guard down before you can let anyone in. I haven't know you your whole life, but I've known you long enough to know that I like ya! You DO have friends who care...let go of your passed so that you can let your friends in. (((HUGS)))
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