Helpless

7 days after finding out my husband lost his job after 21 years and I feel like I want to throw up, I am mad, sad, hurt, and...oh hell I don't know.....whatever else you can think of, I feel just like that.

What a horrible feeling, we had no control over it, it had nothing to do with his work, he was the longest standing there and trained them all over the years. What a hard pill to swallow.

My head constantly hurts, I have this pit of pain in my stomach that constantly hurts at any given moment I could crumble into tears. What the hell is wrong with me? I've been through job loss before, no big deal right? Wrong. It is a big deal, his job has always been there, has always been the dependable one.

I have this weight on my chest, I cannot take a deep breath, I feel light headed. My body feels week, I'm tired and I want to stuff my face with chocolate bars and chips and popcorn and Coke.

My neck hurts, I cannot stop looking at all of the job websites expecting a perfect job that he likes will fall into our laps.

He wants to be picky, he wants choices......I want him to work and earn a paycheck!

We are from 2 different worlds.

I know this happens everyday to people, but I never once thought it would be us (him).

He has applied to every applicable job I can force him to apply to, I want him to call people, visit offices, put his name and face out there, but anyone who knows him knows that isn't him at all.

I feel helpless, and out of control.

FREX gone bad

They say a picture is worth a 1000 words, I certainly agree in this case. When perusing the pictures I took you see happy go lucky kids who are excited and impatiently waiting to board each ride.

Until, the ride got the best of them. That 2nd trip through, sitting on the back, little girls realized they are still only "little" girls...........

Would you agree this will be a defining moment in their lives, one they will NEVER forget as long as they live? Yeah me too!

Over

Day #2 of my return from vacation......although I am very happy to get back into a routine the thought of having to get up at 6am every morning is horrible.


I am torn with the thought of working 10am - 6pm or something like that? This summer I have started work days at 7:30 and done at 3pm or 3:30 and I have to say leaving for the day at 3pm is totally awesome.


Honestly what I really want is a job I can do when I want to and still get paid the same amount of money......or I should win the lotto and travel and play? That would be better because I'd have the means to come and go as I please.


Yikes, I need more coffee and I really need to get back into the work side of things.......so much to catch up on.


I think I will attempt 3 weeks off next year.....it sure would be nice, until I had to return? ugh!

Hello Blog-land

I haven't been here in a long time, I guess it is time to catch up - somewhat?

Whats New? Well not much, just life getting in the way of my so-called free-time, what free time is left after runnning, going and doing 1000 different things.

I was going to sign up to take the certification as a zumba instructor but I chicken'd out and didn't, typical of me I guess. I do not regret not signing up, as of yet. With all the red tape it was going to take in setting up space for classes, insurance and then trying to make my money back by myself was more work then I was ready to bargain for.

My 2nd job cleaning offices is coming to a close, the call centre is closing so there goes my extra income but on the bright side we paid down a significant amount on debt and that in itself helps.

I know everyone has debt but I really hate having it at all and we've been putting every little extra on it, meanwhile we suffer of having no money to speak of. That is about to change...yeah us.

Our next few weeks has us doing home renovations......it is a slow and painful process when the man in your life is ho hum about everything and slow as cold molasses to complete any project he is asked to do. My handy work of crackfilling begins tomorrow evening and I am looking forward to it. I cannot wait to have a big rec room in the basement where we can hang out and have more space, living space will go up by 50%.

Well that's it.

What's up with you?

I'm Tired

I am so thankful May is here, although the dreary days are totally playing on my mood.

Why must Mother Nature be so cruel. All I want is some sunshine.

Guess I'm going to have to find my own....tanning bed here I come.....

No Spring Chick-en

2 days into my new age category and I still am feeling the affects of my celebration. My head is still pounding, I am still dehydrated and I have the pictures on FaceBook to prove I rang in my new age to my fullest capabilities. I can't party like I used to, or as fast I used to would be safer to say. What a fantastic day I had, my entire birthday was an all about ME day and some people think I am crazy to want to hit the gym so hard on my special day but it was exactly what I needed and what better day to accomplish a goal than on my birthday - and succeed at it. Luckily I was not sore from all the gym hours logged, because I could not have handled a throbbing head and arms & legs........ouchy. Here's to a new year if self improvements....... The Livestrong Website sent me a note on my birthday asking me to list 5 things I like about myself today........well here goes.

1. my endurance


2. my new found strength


3. smile


4. complexion


5. the new shape of my legs

Less Sleep? Out of the Question

I need more sleep, OMG I need more sleep, I cannot seem to drag my butt out of bed in the morning, I just do not want to face any day this week. I swear if I lived alone I would have called in sick every day this week. My body wants to sleep, my mind wants to sleep, come 8pm at night all I can think of is my bed, actaully right now my thoughts are consumed by me crawling into bed and snuggling up for sleep. I am eating properly and I am getting enough rest but my body needs so much more. All I do is yawn, everyone in my office is feeling the same way......it must be the air and the thought of having snow & rain later today just makes it that much worse. Although I am looking forward to the weekend. It is my birthday and we are going out to dinner with friends. I can't wait to have a few drinks and some great laughs with them, at my expense no doubt, but what goes around comes around and we are usuallly laughing at Rick's expense......such a funny duo.......

Saturday Morning

Has me enjoying my first cup of coffee, perusing FaceBook looking at people's pictures, one friend has a newborn baby and I love seeing the new pictures she posts, her new little one is adorable. My angelic daughter is playing Mary Had A Little Lamb on her violin, not bad but eek! :-)

My husband is cleaning dishes, the laundry is started and the sun is shining.

I am trying to catch up on my tv shows that I have missed all week.

I am looking forward to today.....it is Saturday, my favourite day of the week!

March Mad-ness

I am so happy to see the end of March next week. What a crazy month and a half it has been, I should be used to it by now but I'm not.....everyone wanting a piece of me all day long.....yuck!

Hockey ends this weekend - yee freakin' ha!

Last weekend we were in Woodstock and stayed overnight at the Florenceville Motel....that hasn't changed in 20 years....I have stayed there 3 times in 2 decades....but the kids had a ball, 20+ kids running and going wild....if you weren't with 1 of the 2 teams you can be glad you were not booked there. Luckily they put us in the bowels of the motel by the pool, the kids ran wild, partied hard, pool jumping, mini sticks, dance party, pizza, chips, candy, pop....oh yeah it was crazy wild.......it was 11pm before they crashed!

All I can say is thank god for coffee cups to hold my drink in hand :)

I will say it was a social gathering for all of the parents as well, I know most of them already because half of the kids are also on the ball team but what a fabulous crew of people, even those people whom I was not real sure were genuine.....yep they are, hearts of gold.....at any given time I watched, looked over everyone's kid and they did mine as well, the parents are so awesome. Lee played Lego with all the boys, he was very cool because he could put together some of the harder stuff.....oh those boys!

I really hated for the weekend to end, so many laughs, lots of memories and some great friendships started.....

Happy end of March everyone! It is a good time to be alive!

Neglected

I have been neglecting my blog but so have the rest of you......you update and I will too!

Have a Nice Day!

Whoa! Stop this Crazy Train!

What a week and it is only Wednesday.

Everything I touch turns to crap.

I messed up a database from 1991, it had to be restored from the day before due to my cluster-phuck! I just wasn't thinking I guess.

I have co-workers who took a double dose of their stupid pills. The most obvious things are challenging them? I just do not understand?

I just wanted this particular week to run smooth, no glitches, nothing to set my anxiety off but would you believe it I pissed the gods off and now at every turn they are slapping me.

Please save me from myself!

Snowed In

What a glorious day! The sun is shining, I am drinking coffee, it is almost 8 am and I am not on the road toward a rink.

I am snowed in!!! Gosh I love the sound of that!

I am enjoying the silence of the beginning of the day. How awesome is this, my lovely daughter came in saying "are we going to town today", um no we are not!

She was like are we going anywhere today? I said no way, she was not a happy camper......too bad for her I would say.

Maybe she can have a friend over for the night but we'll see how the rest of the day goes.

How sad is it when kids think they have to leave and go somewhere to be doing something.......oh the horror of staying home!

Enjoy your day my friends..........I know I will.

Well Hello There...Stranger!

Long time no talk! Imagine, me not talking.....I am as shocked as you are!

I honestly do not think I have anything new going on in my life, hard to believe I know but no news is usually good news........right?

I really am trying very hard to slow down my daughters busy social life, although I am not sure if I am winning that battle or not yet? I need more time.

I am managing my stress levels much better lately, with extra gym visits, and massage therapy, a facial and some sauna time.......who wouldn't eh?

I am now in love with the Sauna....what a fab feeling when you get out of the shower........I could live in there, along with my tanning, I only tan a few times per week but my goodness it feels so good.

You'll be happy to know I stopped causing tan lines as well......just sayin' :)

SHARE THE LOVE: LCOM

Our local Scrapbook store is asking me to share the love with everyone!

How could I resist?

If you would like to win a $25 gift certificate as much as I would.......give it a try.

http://letscaptureourmemories.blogspot.com/2011/02/share-love.html

Rough Times

It has been a week of ups and downs and it is only Wednesday. Whoa!

On Monday we were given horrible medical news about a co-worker. This person has Leukemia and is leaving for 5 months to have aggressive chemotherapy. They have known for the past year. It is terminal.

Whoa! What! No! Can't be! Are you freakin' serious!

Some got up and left crying, some were in total disbelief some where reflecting back, others were stunned/shocked.

I was stunned/shocked.

Immediately another person said "we have to be positive for her/his sake". I immediately said we don't want to treat her/him any differently for the next few weeks. Let her/him be normal.

We are rallying together to put a care package together for her/him of fun, time passing things to show her/him we love her/him and will miss her/him until he/she comes back.

You just never know what another person is going through, we are so oblivious to other people's lives, it is like we all have our blinders on just trying to get through each day all by ourselves.

Keep this person in your thoughts & prayers and wish them all the positive vibes you can give. We all need it, because we do not know what each person is battling.

Sunny Side

It is almost impossible for me to stay on the Sunny Side of things. OMG! It kills me! I am such a realistic, pessimistic person that I scare myself sometimes, I have gut instincts and have learned to stick with them, they are right most of the time.

I don't trust people, I think there is something seriously wrong with people who are constantly happy, who are always smiling, I mean really, how can a person truely be happy all the time?

I don't get that?

Although I do envy those people, lucky for them. On the other hand they might be having real issues of their own and have no idea how to voice them and just push them deep down? Who knows?

Someone told me last week that I was "real", at least I don't hide what I'm thinking or try to be something I'm not, no this is true but sometimes I am just way to raw, my filter just won't stay on. I am not a fake person, I am who I am, I am a person who thinks for themselves and makes my own decisions.

I am sorry if that isn't what I am supposed to be, but it is what it is.

I get mad, I have feeling so of hate, jealously, envy, and yes I even have feelings of love, pride, and all that gooey stuff too! Even though those feelings are the hardest to show.

I do have expectations of people and things & places.

I am a person, I am female and I do stand up for what I think is right and good.

I am not sorry for that.

Don't be fake, don't try to be secreative, just be who you are, try being real, life is way easier, no covering up........it will just be real, the real you.

Growl, Snarl, Roar-r-r-r

I hate me, I hate me, I hate me right now, why am I so mad at him? I could just claw his eyes out right now. The sight of him makes me want to pack my bag and run far, far, far away and never return.

I hate feeling this way, being this way! Oh the frustration. I honestly do not think it all him but I'm going to feel better by blaming it ALL on him here.

Men are so dumb it isn't funny! Like hell they can't tell when we are getting mad, upset or ready to scream and kick. Horse shit they don't see it. They choose not to see it.

I swear to god if he says one more time that I could do dishes too I might send my foot right up his ass! Not my problem dude. If you weren't so half-assed backwards in doing it and actually did it the smart person way you wouldn't feel like you are always doing dishes. He makes such a big time over doing dishes and whines and goes on that it drives me up the wall, no wonder I run and hide and can't be found.

"You could help out more you know"

But of course he argues that he didn't "say" I wasn't pulling my weight..no of course not he did not say that, I am putting words in his mouth. Yes well you tell me what he is saying? Hmm who put the food in the fridge & freezer this week, who makes sure you have socks and underwear, toothpaste, toothbrushes? Hmmmm? Fairies I suppose do all that? Who changes the bedding and the GD bathroom hand towel OMG nobody changes that GD towel but me, so forgive me if you get all pissy when you go in there and there isn't ANY towel because I've put the used one in the hamper and did NOT put a new clean one up, yes I did that for months and each time you ran out to inform me that I didn't replace it..........and each time I told him that nobody bothered to care it was put in the hamper...hmmm go figure?

As much as everyone says "oh how lucky you are your husband does housework" I say big deal, he lives there too and if you knew the bitching and moaning he does you wouldn't think I was so lucky, I'm just pig-headed and stubborn and refuse to let his baby boy actions get the better of me, that asshat is going to do the dishes no matter how much he goes on about it!!!!!

Ok so on the flip side......I do the laundry (after he carries it down the stairs). I sort it, wash it, dry it and he puts it away. How is it that is asking too much? He watches TV all Sunday afternoon in the bedroom, so why not he be the one to fold and put away, he's in there anyway?

One more thing (I promise), when my allergies were discovered he PROMISED if we kept the cat he would make sure the floors were always clean of fur and dust, PROMISED me. Guess what? I am the one always sweeping and scrubbing and swiffering in the house because I am so tired of feeling like crap and waiting for him to do it, remember he is busy doing dishes?

So I am sure you are asking what I do right? Well when you put it down on paper I guess not a lot of the daily things.....I make the meals, clean the fridge out on garbage days, clean the bathroom, kitchen counter tops, sinks, change bedding, laundry, buy groceries and assorted everything, go to the bank, keep 3 people clothed, go through the drawers to throw out old items that do not fit or are too old, tidy/clean shoes, mittens, hats, etc......get rid of the bags of old clothes...........lets not forget I do all birthday, Christmas, etc....shopping as well.

So would you say the duties are fair or not? Maybe I'm delusional? If it is any consilation when he is away the fire is made, the dishes are all cleaned up, etc.......

Tuesday's

The day is almost done, yeah me! No it isn't really, I have way more to do.

It is Brownie night and I am leading the meeting tonight, can you say Lucky Me? Yep lucky me, we now have 8 little girls and they are all chattering and have a hard time focusing and attempting to get anything done can be challenging at times when I am not there (I have been told). :=)

As you know I am a bit of a slave driver. These girls are funny girls.

Wish me luck I make it through the evening and home to my bed so I can be toasty warm and snuggly.

Gah!

I am stuck at home today, my kiddo appeared to have Pink Eye last evening or the start of it, this morning she wasn't any worse but wasn't any better so she couldn't go to school or daycare.

Damn!

Luckily it isn't any worse so I am deeming it NOT to be Pink Eye.....for now?

Although I have a fantastic MIL who loves to have B stay with her, I opted to stay home because the first round of eye drops I gave her took both of us to wrestle her down and hold her while she is screeching and fighting, that little bugger is damn tuff! She kicked dad in the chest and knocked the wind from him, she clubbed me in the arm and it hurt like hell, which only made me madder and I sat on her arms/chest. For the love of god!

So here I am, I have cleaned the bathroom, completed 2 loads of laundry, made lunch, has a fire going, cleaning the basement to get ready to put up gyp roc this weekend.

God I love working from home. I can accomplish so much!

BTW, I have all my scrapbook stuff packed up and ready to go, I even started journalling the pages, rough drafts, quick notes of course but yeah me!

2011

I guess it is time for me to add a new post, first one of the year even!

2011 did not start off on the right foot, and I suspect the year will be a challenging one to say the least, and maybe it will be uneventful? One really never knows with medical issues?

Either way, I am going to stay status quo and go from there. I did not make any new years resolutions, I was too tired to even think about that or to even ring in the new year.

I have unknowingly made some changes in my life that I am happy to report.

I have not smoked this year.
I have not drank alcohol this year.
I have not got upset and thought about giving up the gym because the fight is too hard.
I have been looking on the bright side to many different scenario's.
I have decided to be happy at work no matter what.
I have realized I can only do what I can do and am ok with having work left on my desk that I did not get to.

Happy 2011 to everyone! I wish you all health, happiness & prosperity in the year to come!

His Daughter

I am no doubt my fathers daughter.

That no filtration system you all talk about, is genetics and I am proud to say it works extremely well. I am my fathers daughter and very proud of it.

My father is in the hospital and it appears 2011 will have us making many visits to that godawful place for many tests, and trip to the doctors offices, up until this week I had said I did not want to be the one responsible for my parents, I did not deserve to be the only one willing to do it at all.

I realized this week I am the only one strong enough to be able to manage it. Little do they know I put up a brave face but behind the scene's it is killing me, but unlike the others I have god given common sense to realize I'm all they've got and they looked after me and now its my turn to return the favour!

When the call came at 3am that my father was taken by ambulance and I should get to the hospital right away I was convinced I was going to arrive and a nurse was going to tell my my father had already died before I got there, before I had a chance........ Luckily I was wrong! Thankfully I was wrong.

Unfortunately my dad is a sick puppy and we have learned that no matter what you stop doing to your body right NOW the punishment you do to your body parts stays with you forever, bullshit that your organs repair, they don't, they can't, what you're born with is all you have and are going to have until you die or you punish them so bad they cut out early and kill you.

Take care of your innards, they are all you have; don't drink excessively, stop smoking, stop everything! Eat Well, Exercise, Take Care of yourself or else! Even then you're guaranteed anything, even the best of people die from cancer or whatever the hell else.........

When did life become so complicated and confusing?