Here I sit at a such a sense of loss I feel like I've been punched in the gut and left for dead. The news I was told late last evening has kept me awake most of the night tossing and turning and thinking, all I do is think and my brain is going to explode, it will not turn off about what I should do, should say, shouldn't do, shouldn't say, I have not a clue. I do know I have to stand up and deal with what the coming months have in store for me, regardless how heavy my heart is.
My father is being scheduled for another biopsy on his throat, 11 years later and here we sit again at the same time of year. 1 day before my vacation. I had the same reaction as I did then, although the information the doctor gave us 11 years ago is as clear in mind as it was the day he told it to me.
He said we were very lucky to have detected it in its early stages because people with throat cancer rarely survive, radiation is the only form of treatment unfortunately we can only perform radiation 1 time on the same spot, the likelyhood of it returning is very high if he does not quit smoking. The next time he won't be so lucky.
Here we sit again, waiting for a call from the hospital for him to go in for a biopsy, I know I may be jumping the gun but I've expected this news for many years, it has been laying low hoping I would forget, but I haven't.
Mom & Dad leaned on me a lot last time, I went to every doctors appointment, the doctors would call me after hours to answer any concerns or questions anyone had, I was his voice he didn't have. The day they made the plaster cast in Saint John to prepare for his radiation we sat there and watched, we drove him to Saint John on Sunday evenings and dropped him off to the hostile for his week of radiation and every week was like the first day of dropping your child off at daycare, it hurt every time. I do want to point out 1 or 2 siblings took him or picked him up a couple of times.
They have once again asked me to be the "spokesperson" for all appointments and doctors information in order to get it correct and not miss anything. *sigh* do I feel stressed and given too much responsibilty? Hell Yes. Do I think I can handle it again? I have no choice, everyone else would prefer nothing is really wrong and he's tough as nails and will out live us all. I'm sorry but that isn't true either.
So before I tear up again......I'll finish this post.
6 comments:
Wow, that's some heavy stuff. It's a scary thing and there is really nothing anyone can say to make it better. I find that sometimes the unknown is the worst part. I hope everything works out.
oh Mel, that's a lot to handle. My thoughts are with you and your family. {Hugs}
thoughts are with you
Thinking good thoughts! Lots of good thoughts! If you need anything, you know you can call on me anytime.
Aw Mel, that's so hard. I hope for all good things, I know this is a lot for you to shoulder, hang in there.
I know you are always the one who shoulders the heaviest loads in your family. I wish there were words to help you through this. I'll be praying for all good news on my end, and if YOU need a shoulder...I've got 2 that a quarter back would kill for. :) (((HUGS))) to you my friend.
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