Green with Envy

As I sit here at my computer I realize how fortunate some people in this world are. I say fortunate because its not everyone who can say their life is the best or can they? I guess its all in how you measure it.

My entire life I have tried to make "that" family, create "that" family but you know what, either those people are already "that" family or they are not.

As a child it was rare that events happened at all and when they did someone always goofed up, there was a fist fight, or a screaming match or someone made a complete a$$ out of themselves. My mother would say to that person "you made a fool out of me" regardless of the situation, never did she say "are you ok", "can we talk about it", "make it stop" nothing. I would like to add that only in the later years did I become one of them.

As a kid at Christmas I spent Christmas Eve all alone sitting in the living room, I have 4 much older siblings, you would think our house would be hustling and bustling right? Wrong.

My night consisted of watching Christmas movies by myself that were on tv. Why you ask? Because my mother locked herself into the bedroom to wrap more gifts that she didn't get done before (huge procrastinator), my dad went visiting to friends houses, my oldest brother was out drinking with the boys, my sister - drinking with the girls, my middle brother anywhere but there - probably reading a book and my other brother was playing a video game that I was not allowed to play or be anywhere near him because he couldn't stand me.

Then I was rushed to bed and locked in, yes I said I was locked in my room with a hook because I was so excited I would burst from my room to see the gifts but all I could resort to was banging on the door and begging to be let free.

Where was the family togetherness? Where was the family, with other people's families I guess. Looking back I thought Christmas dinner was special but today my mother said "that is always so much work because nobody helps to make it or clean up after I should have cancelled it years ago, I hate having all those people over".

Well that is a nice how do you do, I just said this week that I don't like cooking Christmas dinner for a big group because it is too hard......although I finished that any other time of year I'm good with any other meal. Its not that I don't like having people over and I never expect them to help clean up its just the labour intensity of the whole Christmas dinner thing. :o)

When I read about other families traditions and their goings on this Christmas Eve I am green with envy on the thought that they make every effort to be together this time of year, they plan and make it happen.

My mother called me on the weekend to say "you can come over at any point to pick up your families gifts, everyone dropped theirs off".

I went so far in past years to deliver each and every siblings gifts (hand deliver) to their house until I realized they didn't care to see me and I wasn't really keen on being with them too long either. I also went to visit each one on Christmas day to see what everyone got (which I love to see what other people get) and one had their families gifts all put away by noon the next day (because it caused a big mess under her tree), one showed some items but then complained about what another sibling got him and the other said "look you see it".

I missed out on the family gatherings, the get togethers where being with family was the one and only important part. In my family that doesn't measure on anyones scale.

How fortunate that there are families out there who really do follow this guideline and I am happy to be able to share only a small peice of that by listening to their funny family stories and what happened and who did what. Not to mention how much fun they had seeing everyone.

It really makes me think that somewhere, somehow I pray I can make that change with my family.......if only I could find those damn adoption papers!!!!!